Question: I am a girl of 20 yrs, studying in college in Baroda. I have an elder sister of 24yrs. We both have been initiated by GURU GAHANANANDAJI in 2002. By the grace of Guruji & GOD we both have understood this fact that the one & the only aim of the life is self realization only & all other things are mere steps toward that. We both were following Guruji’s instructions at our best. We both want nothing except God. But it occurs frequently that in between we become slightly less serious about this & attracted towards outer life but again by the grace of god everything becomes as earlier. In this way our life was going on smoothly. But this time only I became slightly distracted from the daily routine of meditation, reading scriptures etc. but my didi continued it; very firmly. Mummy also praises her oh! How seriously she is doing all this. I also do meditate regularly but not for long. From here my problem began. I started feeling jealous of her. I know myself that how much I love GOD, whether I show or not to others .I also meditate regularly, don’t miss a day also but don’t show it to others but when didi does it everyone notices her. Gradually I started feeling so much jealous that I ceased talking with her due to silly reasons.
The problem does not end here only, I myself feel very shameful for my nature. My conscious makes me feel so bad that am I such a bad & jealous girl? I cry so much at night & ask GOD why did you make me such a bad girl?
I don’t remember anything I have done anything bad in my entire life. I never hurt anyone, never did such a work on which I feel shame. But this time why GOD did this to me? I try to make me understand that I should respect her & I try to follow her but I can help it. Why am I so bad Maharaj? I can’t face God also who is everything for me. For whom I am passing this life only to meet god, Lord Krishna. Why god is doing this, what is his intention behind this? Please help me Maharaj to come out of this problem.
Answer: I advise you to read the teachings of Sri Sarada Devi especially the Gospel of Holy Mother. No doubt jealousy is bad, but do not take it seriously. It is not at all necessary that others should appreciate your spiritual practices. You do it for your own good and to get the grace of the Lord. If your Sisiter is doing more, you should feel proud & get inspiration from her to do more spiritual practice. Even if you cannot, you need not feel sorry rather encourage your sister for in her spiritual practice. That itself is spiritual Sadhana. Spiritual Sadhana does not mean how long we are meditating, but how much are we getting transformed in life. Your problems are too silly & do not give any attention to itthose.