Question: Today I just went through your website, and I somehow felt relieved to know I have found out some place where I always wanted myself to be. I have been married for past 7 years and have no issue. I am 32 years. Commerce granulate, was working as accountant.
Right from my childhood, I have always wanted love, I wanted to be happy, to laugh, to see people happy, but I am never confident about myself, I have always been afraid of something I don’t know. While staying with my parents and now after marriage nothing of my life has changed. I still fear for something. When I was small, I used to get angry of seeing people, my parents fighting, or if I get upset, I used to not talk to anyone for days together, they used to think that I was arrogant or selfish, egoistic. Even now after marriage it is the same, I cant help my anger, I am always low, I cannot find happiness anywhere, everywhere it is the same, same fights, same politics , same problems, I am basically very fed up of my life. But again I was always supported by my God in all my sorrows and problems. I bow to Him for being with me always, right from my birth. Now being married, I am not interested in marital life, I don’t desire for anything, very frankly not even to have a child. Yes sometimes I feel that if I had children everything would be ok, yes sometimes I even have desires. I don’t deny that. My husband is somehow fed up of me. But he has no choice but to be married to me. According to him I am at fault every time and for everything. Well I think maybe he is right. I know I am never going to have a baby, and even if I have one it would not be out of love but only as necessity of married life. But again life will be the same.
I want to attain peace, I read Bhagavad Gita daily, but I still cannot come out of it. Reading Gita, makes me feel happy, when I am under gods protection, I feel happy, at peace. I know if I kill myself, my God will never accept me, and also I will be hurting my parents and sis/brothers a lot. I don’t want to do that.
Sir, I want your guidance, to let me know, who I am, and what I want. I have always wanted to be a part of helping children, orphans, disabled, to be of help to people, to see and sing with unhappy people, to see them happy. I want to devote my life at Gods service. Please guide me into this. According to u, aren’t ladies supposed to join ashram for life time. If they are, than how can I join the same?
Sir, I will be blessed, if you let me come under your guidance to devote my life at Gods service.
Waiting for your reply soon.
Answer: First of all the happiness is within oneself. Every one can be happy if one wishes. Only you have to develop the right attitude.
What all you say about life & anger is true. But the world has other face too. Those who understand that part are happy. First of all you should learn to love yourself & not hate. To be frank life is full of joy. If you start loving every one including yourself you will see the joyous part of the life. Take any particular name of the God & constantly repeat it. Since God is full of Love & fearlessness, automatically those qualities will influence your life also.
Since married life is give & take, you have to learn to please your husband by sincerely serving him. There is no meaning in quarrelling. It is too late to say that you have no intention in married life. You should have thought it over before the marriage. Just as he has no choice, you too have no choice. So it is better to live the happy married life, just like other married couple.
Mere reading Gita will not do. Try to understand it & live accordingly to it. Pray to the God sincerely so that he will surely show the path. I wish you should manage to get some books on Holy Mother Sri Sarada Devi the Divine Consort of Bhagavan Sri Ramakrishna particularly The Gospel of Holy Mother.
There is no necessity to join any Ashrama. When you are not able to give the joy for your husband, relatives & for yourself, then how can you bring it to other people? First you find peace & joy for yourself & then make your husband to feel the same. Then the question of serving others will come.